Rewards

I got through four magazine boxes of cookbook recording today (77 books) and found three bucks in one (yes, I have multiples) of my copies of Joys of Jello. Why did I do that? Do three one-dollar bills normally make good bookmarks? (No). Have I ever made the recipe on the page they were marking (a cabbage-filled salad, held together with black cherry jello)? (No.) I am used to finding bills in the washer/dryer and various coats and once in my underwear drawer (a joke?), but never in a cookbook.

I may have written about this at some previous point, but feel compelled to send this off into the electronic world in support of all the freelance writers I know who've taken preposterous gigs to pay the bills. I own a small cookbook--the kind sold in supermarket checkstands for a few bucks, generally found between the Wrigley's and the tabloids--called "Velveeta Recipes: For People Who Eat Food". Other than the brilliant subtitle, this appears to be a totally straight Velveeta specialty cookbook, published by the same company that does all those little books for General Foods and Hershey's and filled with totally straight Velveeta recipes. Stylists, editors, photographers and brand managers are all given credit, but there's no officially noted author. Read these fine chapter introductions:

Dips That Get Devoured: "Baseball. The great American pastime. Each year we spend hours as spectators watching...absolutely nothing happens. As Americans we deserve a national pastime with more personal involvement. Like eating. It's something that we have been doing since we were born, so we're already good at it. Like the icon of the baseball, eating would also have an icon of it's own: a large bowl of Velveeta dip. Dips That Get Devoured represent all the different dips that one can use to participate in this wonderfully rich activity."

Super Duper Soups and Sandwiches: "Since achieving the title "Super Duper", our soups and sandwiches have not been acting quite the same way as they once did. Unfortunately, the title of "Super Duper" has gone to their heads. They have alienated all other soups and sandwiches, refusing to associate themselves with lesser forms of nourishment. We do, however, feel slightly responsible since we were the ones who made these recipes so good."

and perhaps the best--Quick Fixin' Dinners: "These recipes are designed for quick and easy preparation. And to reflect that, we decided to name these recipes "Quick Fixin' Dinners". Notice how we dropped the "G" on the word "Fixing" to show how quickly these recipes can be made. By dropping the "G", we have created a visual cue, so the reader will be convinced that these really are quick recipes and that they should try these for that reason alone."

Since the title is referred to in this Kraft cookbook at the Reader's Digest store, I suspect that it's not a clever fake, and that someone probably got fired over the copy, or a freelancer was threatened with "never working in this town again". Never working in Velveeta Town doesn't sound that bad to me. If somehow, someone knows the person who wrote this, please send them my way.

Comments

[Grumpy Pea Rob]

if you'd written "Souper Douper" i'd have gone to evite and yanked my boys off your god damn party list and then i'd have wiped my fingers on the window pane.